In The Case of Sterling vs. StivianoIt:

Love Or Merely a Sick Attactment

The newsworthy debacle, commonly known as the of the Sterling/Stiviano relationship, burst on to the scene sizzling with flashy, trashy, sexual, suspenseful, glamorous, and cynical elements right out of a Hollywood movie, or depending on how conservative or liberal your views are – an X-Rated movie. We’ve heard recorded conversations between a man, who we now know to be Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers, and a woman, who we still are not sure exactly what her role is, or is supposed to be in his life, but calls herself V. Stiviano. The cast of characters in this real life drama have provided us with insight into the glitzy, bizarre, disturbing, and morally corrupt history of an ultra-rich couple married for almost 60 years. Although the dominant focus of the scandal is the racist remarks made by Mr. Sterling to Ms. Stiviano over a period of time, there are also layers upon layers of dysfunction that raises the question of the health or pathology of the relationships between Mr. Sterling and his wife; Mr. Sterling and Ms. Stiviano; and Mrs. Sterling and Ms. Stiviano (yes there is a relationship between these two women). To gain a better understanding as to how a man of Mr. Sterling’s means could wind up in such an embarrassing, destructive, and low class position, one would have to understand the dynamics of his relationships with the two women involved in this triangle. I cannot refer to it as a “love triangle” because honestly I don’t know if any one of these three people ever loved the person for whom they professed love, or at what point did the relationship cross over from the realm of love into the abyss of a sick attachment.Know this. There is a relationship among relationships, and in this regard our relationships affect everything we do. One relationship will find its way into another. Consider the abused child who winds up an abuser; the man who is browbeaten at home by a dominating wife, but turns up in the office as a tyrant; the woman who has been working for an employer for 20 years, and loses her job because her performance suffers while she’s trying to keep a marriage together. No one who is on the receiving end of these types of relationships wants this type of madness to follow them into other parts of their lives, but they do, and with dire consequences.Despite Mr. Sterling’s tremendous wealth, stature in the business world, vast holdings in real estate, and other material possessions of the uber-wealthy, his personal relationships with Mrs. Sterling and Ms. Stiviano spilled over into the areas of his life where everything appeared to be going well. The elements of mistrust, deceit, perversion, greed, and control took on the form of racism and jealousy that placed Donald Sterling on the slippery slope that has led to his disgrace and probable downfall.As offensive, ignorant, and incendiary those remarks are to me, and to most of the world, something else just as disturbing has been revealed. His reprehensible comments have reminded some and taught others that wealth does not shield troubled and/or dysfunctional people from the devastation of a toxic relationship. As the details of not only the relationship between Mr. Sterling and Ms. Viviano, but also the relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Donald Sterling are brought to light, we are provided with the perfect example of what may have started out as a loving relationship between two high school sweethearts, but has turned into an unhealthy and toxic relationship, the tentacles of which are long reaching, and are now affecting people outside of their marriage. Mr. Sterling has shown us that left unchecked, involvement in a toxic relationship can reduce those who are perceived as intelligent, mighty, untouchable, and worship-worthy to begging, wallowing around in sexually deviant behavior, and striking out at those who have nothing to do with the toxic relationships.When we hear about a marriage that has existed for almost 60 years, it isn’t unreasonable to assume we’re talking about a good marriage; a marriage that has withstood the test of time; a marriage that is a blueprint for others who are contemplating matrimony. Yet as the details of the Sterling marriage become public knowledge, we are learning that longevity means nothing if the relationship is based on lies, deceit, perversion, greed, and nefarious behavior. The Sterling/Stiviano scandal proves that wealth does not exempt individuals from disaster when the relationship turns out to be a sick attachment rather than love. Actually, the Sterlings’ wealth has probably made it easy to lose sight of what constitutes a healthy and loving relationship. Possessing everything that some people work hard together all their lives to accomplish, the affluent may be lured into the trap of pursuing and indulging in that which is taboo. If material possessions are all that you have or share in common, you will seek other avenues for fulfillment. The sense of struggle and sacrifice will keep anybody humble. Humility has no kinship with control, abuse, sexual deviance, arrogance, dominance, and other elements of a sick attachment.Mr. and Mrs. Sterling both decry the labels of racist. Yet Mr. Sterling is clearly caught on tape making racist remarks. Even if he really believes he isn’t a racist (and I don’t believe him), the jealousy that reared its ugly head in his relationship with Ms. Stiviano has everything to do with his racist remarks. Because his relationship with this much younger woman was in trouble, the very sight of her in a photograph with a much younger and physically attractive man sent him to the bottom of the barrel to come up with a defense for a relationship that he either consciously or subconsciously knew was based on anything but love. That is why Ms. Stiviano is the proud owner of two Bentleys, one Maserati, a home valued at over One Million Dollars, and probably a hefty bank account. Left with nothing to combat the perceived threat of competition for Ms. Stiviano’s affections and fidelity, such as vitality, youth, character, and true love, the only weapon he could think to use was racism. The reason Mr. Sterling keeps denying that he’s a racist is because the professions of love among him, Mrs. Sterling, and Ms. Stiviano are sick attachments that are veiled as love.
Read more about healthy and toxic relationships in Pam’s book, "Is It Love...Or Merely a Sick Attachment". 

~Copa