Copa Style Magazine's Style & STEM Career Columnist Ingrid Campbell White returns this month with effective solutions to resolve conflicts.
Ingrid Campbell White
" Conflict Management"
By Ingrid Campbell White
It is inevitable. Conflict happens. It is going to happen whenever you have people with different expectations. This makes conflict management critical, whether avoiding arguments, disputes, lasting conflict or ultimately, litigation. Conflict can be avoided if steps are taken early in a discussion to diffuse anger and facilitate communication. Anger is a secondary emotion that it is usually triggered as a defense mechanism to cover up hurt or fear or embarrassment.
We must learn to stay calm. Nothing gives one so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances. The thing that leads to conflict is escalation. What starts people escalating is their anger. Most of us stop listening to understand as we get angry. Instead, we start listening in order to argue back. Remaining calm is essential for performing these tools. To remain calm, it helps to look at the big picture. If you think about it, most every dispute gets resolved eventually. So when conflict inevitably happens, it is helpful to stop and think that, chances are, it is going to be resolved eventually.
Listen to understand. When most of us get into a dispute, the first thing we do is stop listening. The only way to settle a dispute or solve any kind of a problem is to listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Perhaps they will surprise you with reason, or their point is actually true. I often learn what people's underlying interests are by letting them go on and on telling their perspective of an issue until they give me the one thing that is standing in the way of them resolving it. Try to accentuate a positive attitude and state your case tactfully. The key here is to help people understand your perspective on things without making them defensive. To the extent you can disarm them, they will be more able to hear what you are really saying. A couple of tips are to own what is yours - apologize for what you did wrong and do it first. This enables them to hear what you have to say next. Also, try not to state issues of differences as facts. Leave a little benefit of the doubt.
Your points will be heard more clearly if you can depersonalize your comments and point only at the issue. Attack the Problem, Not the Person. You will be heard better and improve your chances of resolving the issue the way you want if you can catch yourself and take the zinger out.
Try to Focus on the Future, Not the Past. The present and future tenses are where the solution ends. Rather than focusing on what went wrong or who should have done what, the secret to dispute resolution is to treat it like problem solving and focus on what can be done to resolve the problem. This kind of negotiation is a hard process.
Celebrate Agreement! It requires two people to remain in an uncomfortable, potentially confrontational position for a long time to rebuild trust and be creative while trying to figure out the best, rather than the fastest, solution. Once it is accomplished, both you and the person you are talking to deserve a good pat on the back. There is nothing wrong with going to lunch or dinner to celebrate the resolution of a dispute that could have been destructive, but that ended with a win-win solution where everyone was satisfied.
Ingrid Campbell-White
We must learn to stay calm. Nothing gives one so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances. The thing that leads to conflict is escalation. What starts people escalating is their anger. Most of us stop listening to understand as we get angry. Instead, we start listening in order to argue back. Remaining calm is essential for performing these tools. To remain calm, it helps to look at the big picture. If you think about it, most every dispute gets resolved eventually. So when conflict inevitably happens, it is helpful to stop and think that, chances are, it is going to be resolved eventually.
Listen to understand. When most of us get into a dispute, the first thing we do is stop listening. The only way to settle a dispute or solve any kind of a problem is to listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Perhaps they will surprise you with reason, or their point is actually true. I often learn what people's underlying interests are by letting them go on and on telling their perspective of an issue until they give me the one thing that is standing in the way of them resolving it. Try to accentuate a positive attitude and state your case tactfully. The key here is to help people understand your perspective on things without making them defensive. To the extent you can disarm them, they will be more able to hear what you are really saying. A couple of tips are to own what is yours - apologize for what you did wrong and do it first. This enables them to hear what you have to say next. Also, try not to state issues of differences as facts. Leave a little benefit of the doubt.
Your points will be heard more clearly if you can depersonalize your comments and point only at the issue. Attack the Problem, Not the Person. You will be heard better and improve your chances of resolving the issue the way you want if you can catch yourself and take the zinger out.
Try to Focus on the Future, Not the Past. The present and future tenses are where the solution ends. Rather than focusing on what went wrong or who should have done what, the secret to dispute resolution is to treat it like problem solving and focus on what can be done to resolve the problem. This kind of negotiation is a hard process.
Celebrate Agreement! It requires two people to remain in an uncomfortable, potentially confrontational position for a long time to rebuild trust and be creative while trying to figure out the best, rather than the fastest, solution. Once it is accomplished, both you and the person you are talking to deserve a good pat on the back. There is nothing wrong with going to lunch or dinner to celebrate the resolution of a dispute that could have been destructive, but that ended with a win-win solution where everyone was satisfied.
Ingrid Campbell-White
~Copa