PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS – Part II:
Several weeks ago, I wrote an introductory relationship article discussing platonic love. I got the idea for the article from a radio talk show on which I was a guest. The host and I stumbled upon the subject, but once we were there, discovered that people have all kinds of interpretations and opinions about platonic love. Some of the interpretations and opinions were based on stereotype and myth, while others were based on personal experience. We even had listeners who called in to voice opinions clearly revealing the reality that many adults have no idea what platonic love is or that it exists. Just in case you don’t already know what it is, or are unclear about what happens inside of this type of loving relationship, here is a simple definition that I borrowed from dictionary.com: an intimate companionship or relationship, especially between two persons of the opposite sex that is characterized by the absence of romance and/or sexual involvement; a spiritual affection. While I say the borrowed definition is simple, platonic love is anything but simple. That is the reason(s) infinite opinions, perceptions, and definitions abound. Just like romantic love, definitions can be as individual as DNA.The absence of sexual involvement or a spiritual affection is what throws a lot of people off. For reasons unknown, there are people who are absolute in their belief that individuals of the opposite sex cannot be intimate without romance and sex. Just as the realm of spiritual connection is foreign or inconceivable to some individuals, so is the construct of loving the opposite sex without the act of sex. To these individuals, loving the opposite sex on a deeper level than physical is questionable.If you happen to fall within the category of non-believers, you are denying yourself the valuable and fulfilling experience of loving someone without the expectations, challenges, and problems that plague romantic relationships. Platonic loves does not take the place of romantic love, and one should never attempt to make the two interchangeable. When this happens, mixed messages are sent and received, one or both parties become entangled in a web of confusion, or someone is left to feel as if they have been deceived. There is nothing worse than having someone claiming to just “want to be friends” only to find out their agenda was never friends, but rather sexual or romantic. To make matters worse, if you don’t reciprocate, they no longer want to be “friends”.No one expects a friend to walk away just because they don’t want to be touched a certain way or engage in sexual intercourse. The expectations of the romantic or sexual relationship are different than those of the platonic relationship. So if the parties involved are not on the same page, one or both parties will have a set of expectations that are the polar opposite to those of his or her mate. When a couple is operating off of two separate sets of expectations, harmony is impossible. When expectations aren’t met, we are disappointed, may become angry and bitter, or suffer a hurt that has adverse effect emotionally, physically, or psychologically.Platonic love doesn’t need to take the place of romantic love because this type of relationship has many aspects that are unique, special, fulfilling, and enriching. When you truly understand platonic love, there is no need to co-mingle it with romance and/or sex. It stands on its own.When I was in my early twenties, I had a platonic loving relationship that remains with me to this day, and I am now in my late fifties. One of the most memorable experiences was a Thanksgiving dinner I celebrated with this man. I was in a romantic relationship that wasn’t going well, and my platonic male friend had just gotten engaged. He hadn’t yet reached a comfort level with some of his soon-to-be in-laws.I remember the humor with which he explained why he couldn’t spend Thanksgiving dinner with his fiancé’s family, who lived in a part of Philadelphia heavily populated with Italians. A lot of the older family members spoke only Italian. My friend‘s reasoning for not spending the Thanksgiving Holiday with this family was because he only knew one Italian word and that was “spaghetti.” So he invited me and his brother to Thanksgiving dinner at his home. I couldn’t believe the lengths to which he went to prepare a huge dinner with all of the trimmings and with no help. As close as we were, I didn’t know he was the type of man who liked cooking for anyone. Even when I tried to help out, he wouldn’t have it.In retrospect, I’ve considered that maybe he elected not to go to Philadelphia because he was feeling bad for me, which means a tremendous sacrifice was made on my behalf. I still feel this awesome rush when I think about him loving me so much he decided to forego the opportunity to celebrate Thanksgiving with a huge family, and elected to fix dinner with all of the trimmings for me. There were no expectations other than being together on a holiday where families come together with the people they love. I feel no less about the experience than if it was with a man I was romantically involved. The end result was that he offered and delivered to me a memorable Thanksgiving. This same platonic friend sat at my bedside every day when I was hospitalized, even when my highly successful boyfriend was too busy to. Once again, I still have those memories from more than 30 years ago.The man or woman with whom you share a platonic love can be the best resource or confidante when it comes to your romantic and/or sexual relationships. He or she will give perspective and advice from the heart. There is no hidden agenda arising out of or in connection with sex and romance. When he or she is coming from a place of protection, he or she will tell you things a man or woman who is interested in you romantically or sexually would never share. The platonic relationship should never be reduced in its relevancy or value to the human experience. It is yet another type of love that enriches the human experience. It is a mistake and unfair to assume that a person of the opposite sex cannot have a relationship with you that doesn’t involve sex and/or romance. Each of us is responsible for making choices about who we allow in our most personal space. You should have discriminating taste when it comes to your intimate relationships. If you trust your judgment in befriending people of the opposite sex, trust that the two of you are capable of loving each other without crossing the line. If the line is to be crossed into domains of sex and romance, it should be by mutual agreement. The person who truly loves you platonically will never cross the line without your consent and/or agreement.
Pamela Reaves is a Certified Professional Coach, published author, and motivational speaker. Pam holds a Bachelors of Science Degree in Business Management and has over 30 years’ experience in working and thriving in diverse corporate cultures. She has appeared on a number of radio talk shows, participated in numerous blog-radio talk shows, and on cable TV talk shows. She has been a featured author and speaker at a host of other cultural events, book festivals, expos. Pam is the visionary and creator of The Annual Power of Love Gala by NELLA, LLC. To more learn more about Pam, her life coaching practice, upcoming books and events, visit her at http://www.pamreaves.com.
Several weeks ago, I wrote an introductory relationship article discussing platonic love. I got the idea for the article from a radio talk show on which I was a guest. The host and I stumbled upon the subject, but once we were there, discovered that people have all kinds of interpretations and opinions about platonic love. Some of the interpretations and opinions were based on stereotype and myth, while others were based on personal experience. We even had listeners who called in to voice opinions clearly revealing the reality that many adults have no idea what platonic love is or that it exists. Just in case you don’t already know what it is, or are unclear about what happens inside of this type of loving relationship, here is a simple definition that I borrowed from dictionary.com: an intimate companionship or relationship, especially between two persons of the opposite sex that is characterized by the absence of romance and/or sexual involvement; a spiritual affection. While I say the borrowed definition is simple, platonic love is anything but simple. That is the reason(s) infinite opinions, perceptions, and definitions abound. Just like romantic love, definitions can be as individual as DNA.The absence of sexual involvement or a spiritual affection is what throws a lot of people off. For reasons unknown, there are people who are absolute in their belief that individuals of the opposite sex cannot be intimate without romance and sex. Just as the realm of spiritual connection is foreign or inconceivable to some individuals, so is the construct of loving the opposite sex without the act of sex. To these individuals, loving the opposite sex on a deeper level than physical is questionable.If you happen to fall within the category of non-believers, you are denying yourself the valuable and fulfilling experience of loving someone without the expectations, challenges, and problems that plague romantic relationships. Platonic loves does not take the place of romantic love, and one should never attempt to make the two interchangeable. When this happens, mixed messages are sent and received, one or both parties become entangled in a web of confusion, or someone is left to feel as if they have been deceived. There is nothing worse than having someone claiming to just “want to be friends” only to find out their agenda was never friends, but rather sexual or romantic. To make matters worse, if you don’t reciprocate, they no longer want to be “friends”.No one expects a friend to walk away just because they don’t want to be touched a certain way or engage in sexual intercourse. The expectations of the romantic or sexual relationship are different than those of the platonic relationship. So if the parties involved are not on the same page, one or both parties will have a set of expectations that are the polar opposite to those of his or her mate. When a couple is operating off of two separate sets of expectations, harmony is impossible. When expectations aren’t met, we are disappointed, may become angry and bitter, or suffer a hurt that has adverse effect emotionally, physically, or psychologically.Platonic love doesn’t need to take the place of romantic love because this type of relationship has many aspects that are unique, special, fulfilling, and enriching. When you truly understand platonic love, there is no need to co-mingle it with romance and/or sex. It stands on its own.When I was in my early twenties, I had a platonic loving relationship that remains with me to this day, and I am now in my late fifties. One of the most memorable experiences was a Thanksgiving dinner I celebrated with this man. I was in a romantic relationship that wasn’t going well, and my platonic male friend had just gotten engaged. He hadn’t yet reached a comfort level with some of his soon-to-be in-laws.I remember the humor with which he explained why he couldn’t spend Thanksgiving dinner with his fiancé’s family, who lived in a part of Philadelphia heavily populated with Italians. A lot of the older family members spoke only Italian. My friend‘s reasoning for not spending the Thanksgiving Holiday with this family was because he only knew one Italian word and that was “spaghetti.” So he invited me and his brother to Thanksgiving dinner at his home. I couldn’t believe the lengths to which he went to prepare a huge dinner with all of the trimmings and with no help. As close as we were, I didn’t know he was the type of man who liked cooking for anyone. Even when I tried to help out, he wouldn’t have it.In retrospect, I’ve considered that maybe he elected not to go to Philadelphia because he was feeling bad for me, which means a tremendous sacrifice was made on my behalf. I still feel this awesome rush when I think about him loving me so much he decided to forego the opportunity to celebrate Thanksgiving with a huge family, and elected to fix dinner with all of the trimmings for me. There were no expectations other than being together on a holiday where families come together with the people they love. I feel no less about the experience than if it was with a man I was romantically involved. The end result was that he offered and delivered to me a memorable Thanksgiving. This same platonic friend sat at my bedside every day when I was hospitalized, even when my highly successful boyfriend was too busy to. Once again, I still have those memories from more than 30 years ago.The man or woman with whom you share a platonic love can be the best resource or confidante when it comes to your romantic and/or sexual relationships. He or she will give perspective and advice from the heart. There is no hidden agenda arising out of or in connection with sex and romance. When he or she is coming from a place of protection, he or she will tell you things a man or woman who is interested in you romantically or sexually would never share. The platonic relationship should never be reduced in its relevancy or value to the human experience. It is yet another type of love that enriches the human experience. It is a mistake and unfair to assume that a person of the opposite sex cannot have a relationship with you that doesn’t involve sex and/or romance. Each of us is responsible for making choices about who we allow in our most personal space. You should have discriminating taste when it comes to your intimate relationships. If you trust your judgment in befriending people of the opposite sex, trust that the two of you are capable of loving each other without crossing the line. If the line is to be crossed into domains of sex and romance, it should be by mutual agreement. The person who truly loves you platonically will never cross the line without your consent and/or agreement.
Pamela Reaves is a Certified Professional Coach, published author, and motivational speaker. Pam holds a Bachelors of Science Degree in Business Management and has over 30 years’ experience in working and thriving in diverse corporate cultures. She has appeared on a number of radio talk shows, participated in numerous blog-radio talk shows, and on cable TV talk shows. She has been a featured author and speaker at a host of other cultural events, book festivals, expos. Pam is the visionary and creator of The Annual Power of Love Gala by NELLA, LLC. To more learn more about Pam, her life coaching practice, upcoming books and events, visit her at http://www.pamreaves.com.
