by Milan Junch
Let me start off by congratulating the single mothers who've raised wonderful and respectable young men, unfortunately what appears to be more common is that a lot of single mothers including myself, don't have a healthy relationship with their son or sons. Especially if the dead beat fathers are not around and if they are, they might as well not be. Unfortunately this is how most of us single mothers truly feel.
Many single mothers grow to dislike their son or sons problematic behaviors, chasing stress and headaches, countless sleepless nights just plain disrespectful and unappreciative and in some cases physically violent towards them. This makes mothers completely torn behind the thought of giving birth to them after all we endured to keep a roof over their head, food on the table, with lights and water to wash that tail. All while their fathers hardly or never contribute time or money. Should they all get a pass?
To my amazement I discovered that my son was feeling exactly the same way towards me, I was a part of the reason he was hurting and he was conflicted at the same time because he also loved me dearly and knew I was all he had and I unconditionally love him.
See I have come to the conclusion that I realize a woman truly has challenges raising a man by herself, not that it can’t be done, it’s not how it's designed to be.
Let's compare this situation with a person as if one was peeling back the layers of onion to in getting to know them. Just visualize your son's layer, what sits in the very core? Everything that we've taught him to be without! His father... now moves towards the outer layers he has knowledge and guidance from us potty training, tying his shoe, first heartbreak getting behind the wheel his first fight etc... we helped him become who he is, but he never was able to carry the emptiness, the things that a father would do that we had to, so it sits in that core looking for some guidance and develop to a part of his exterior or surface of "a man", because it was stumped and never nurtured it bruised with curiosity and loneliness and hurt and it starts to fill up the feeling of rejection, and then resentment followed by bad decision including only knowing how to lash out to the closest thing to them which was us the mothers. We find ourselves fighting our son for respect loyalty love, and appreciation for our personal grounds. Then we question them, how dare you... But what we don't see that theirs is a cry for why didn't he want me? Why doesn’t he come for me? What’s wrong with me? only you love me and those are their personal grounds. They have no clue how to stop this feeling that they don't understand.
Having a positive male figure in their life is great, it can give them some guidance but having the positive father in their life will give them the tools that they need to be a better man. Mom provides them with the nurturing and love that is the complete package to raise a healthy mental human male.
As mentioned in my first article, I gave a few reasons why we decided to have children with mates without really thinking about the lifelong decisions or Consequences for our temporary emotional fulfillment. Now here comes the lifelong consequences that our children has to deal with and to name a few...hurt, betrayal, abandonment, low self-esteem, trying to find acceptance many join gangs, turn to the streets, etc... This never goes away until the child now a man is ready to let it go and be ok with our decision. We as mothers take on the full responsibility of raising our children by ourselves if we must. It's in our makeup, but we don't always realize when we are hurting our children my keeping them away from their fathers because they have hurt us. That's even more damaging.
I noticed with my son that by the age of seven I was losing grip of my son, see I kept him from his father who loved him but was physically violent and displayed aggression towards my son and I felt I was doing the right thing by protecting him and he didn't see his dad for almost 4 years. When my son started lashing out and his behavior was unfamiliar and I discipline him in the manner that I only knew how, I was raised in a household that my mother did all the disciplining just because I had a stepfather and he was allowed to, so pretty much I was raised and disciplined by a woman. Which was fine because I myself am a woman but doesn’t quite convey the same when raising a young man? Before I knew it I was training my son to respond to challenges or addressing a situation emotionally. And they mean what they say, if a father said you do XYZ you're getting out my house trust they follow through do just that as the 1st attempt. We as mothers we say it and we mean It In the Heat of the Moment but will always have a soft spot when we cool off, heck we do it in our relationship truth be told.
As we know we can't turn back the hands of time but we do have today and pray that God will bless us with tomorrow to make a change and start forgiving and understanding we had a part in the decision. Wefactor for the outcome of our children even though we may not like their conduct,no matter how things deterred to the left from the white picket fence vision, the reality is it's important to have a father in our children's life, even if you can't stand them, don't stand in their way. We can only do our best to teach them right from wrong, so lovers if you see red flags now they will always be there. And chances are they will be the very reason you guys won't last.. So before having a child or children with this person think about everyone who it will impact. You owe your unborn the best opportunity that you can provide within your control. I'm still working on healing my son and our relationship from the decision that I was protecting him at the age of 3 till he was 7 and it never was right with his father from that and he's now 25, so please think. Ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" Straight talk.
So please understand it's not a blame game it's the responsibility of responsible adults to be accountable, do what's necessary, put away your differences and properly co-parent for the betterment of your child or children. You owe them this much.